By Sydney Skye
Trigger warnings: Gambling, substance abuse, parental neglect and anxiety.
Various chimes, and rolling sounds of the slot machines as patrons pull levers and the shouts of bids are accompanied by music, and flashing lights of Casino Suave. Deep purple velvet carpet shines under the lights glistening in reds, and blues. I could feel the beginning of a headache forming. I pin my black hair up as I finish dealing my last card game of the night. I quickly walk through the casino to the break room.
Lockers line one side of the dull rectangle of a room, and two black benches sit bolted to the floor in front of them. The casino doesn’t offer special accommodations to those working. There aren’t even any motivational pictures up. The supervisors and owners don’t care about the employees, all they care about is the house winning. A humming mini fridge sits in the corner, the only thing in the room making noise, but it is barely audible over the muffled chaos of the casino outside the not so padded walls. Two in the morning got here faster than I expected it to.
“Hey Hazel” Garrett says, sidling up next to the bench in front of the lockers I’m sitting on getting ready to leave. I take off my green vinyl visor and place it in the locker along with my name tag.
“Hey Garrett,” I release a breath of annoyance, grabbing my jacket off the hook, and pulling it on. “I can’t talk tonight, I have to get home, ” I say, not wanting to give him time to respond, I had hoped to be out of here before seeing him. Garrett has been the slimeball who’s been trying to sleep with me for the past month since we moved here. His face fell in disappointment, I nearly rolled my eyes but I was able to control myself this time. I don’t have the energy to consider romance or anyone else, I’ve already got my hands full. I left my mom alone a lot longer than I usually do to work a double shift, anxiety already pooling low in my stomach. I reach back into my locker and retrieve my purse before slamming the locker door shut with a clang, the vibration of metal on metal runs up my arm.
I walk out the front of the casino heading to my car, the bright lights of the parking lot fighting off my fear of the dark. Brisk nights like these make me think of him, my dad. I haven’t seen him in almost 15 years. Before I could stop the memory it flows through my mind. Cold nights were our favorite.
The fall chill in the air made me shiver, as I pulled the big fluffy blue blanket in closer. The rain from the previous nights had brought the chill of fall with it. My good vibes mug with hot cocoa sat on the small glass topped table as steam rolled out of it. The open back porch turned into our escape as dad snuggled up against me. His body heat warmed me further as we both looked up from the cushioned wicker couch. Dad’s own steaming mug precariously set on the arm rest. The night sky had finally cleared after consecutive nights of rain. Perfect for stargazing.
“That star,” Dad says pointing one of his calloused hands to the brightest star in the sky, “is the north star, it never moves. So no matter where we are we can both look at it, and know we are both thinking of each other. We will always be connected.” He says, before letting his hand drop a smile crossing his face as he wraps an arm around my shoulder and squeezes me to him. Moments later, Mom opens the sliding glass door with a smile that made her face brighten as Pogue – our labrador lap dog – jumped in my lap eliciting squeals as dad’s not so hot- hot cocoa spills from the sudden jolt.
I stifle a giggle as the memory fades and I shake my head; it had been a much simpler time. But now, all of the memories with dad feel false, like he lied with his actions because he left.
For a long time, I tried to come up with reasons – the answer to the ever present why, and I landed on myself. I wasn’t the best child I could have been, memories of the temper tantrums I used to throw float through my mind, the kicking, screaming while banging my head on the floor definitely didn’t give him a reason to stay.
When he was gone, Mom ended up trying to fill the hole he left in her life with anyone, usually sleazy men she picked up at the hole in the wall biker bar down the road, thankfully that stopped about a four months ago. I sighed as I unlocked the car and settled in, making sure to lock the doors behind me. I dig out my phone from deep inside my purse and call my mom. She’s a night owl, always has been – she prefers to sleep during the day which makes it easier for me to work the day shift.
I hope she had a good night even though I wasn’t there.
The phone rings a few times, the pit of anxiety in my stomach growing deeper with each one. She knows not to ignore my calls, especially this late.
“Hi baby!” She coos into the phone oddly chipper.
“Hey mom” I say, trying to make my voice light and cheerful, like I wasn’t the anxiety ridden person I am when she is home alone. It was a long shift, and I hate my job, but I need it to support us. Eventually, I’d like to go back to college and finish my degree, and get a job doing something I enjoy. But, I need to get mom on her feet first so I can afford it.
“How was your night?” I ask, forcing myself out of my thoughts. Suspicion clouding my anxious mind, she only gets excited when drugs are involved.
“The most wonderful thing happened” She says, I can hear the excitement rise in her voice.
“Ok, I can’t wait to hear about it. I just wanted to let you know that I was on my way home” I reply before hanging up with her. Mom tried for years to hide her drug abuse from me but I knew. When I turned 18 she just stopped trying to hide it. Mom’s preferred drugs are the injectable kind, but she’s been on the wagon since she was released from a three month stay at rehab a month ago, I’ve made sure of that. I spent money I didn’t have on that clinic. I pull into our parking lot and park.
Our rent for this place is due, and the grace period ends in two days. I want to recount my money again but after the money I made tonight I’ll have enough to pay it. I’ve been taking care of my mom for so long, every relapse, every arrest. There was me working to try and help her. I take a deep breath and try to get the knot of dread to remove itself from my stomach. I’m not sure what I’m going to be walking into.
I open the front door, and set down my purse and keys on the entry hall table.
“Mom?” I call but there is no response. I hear muffled voices from the back porch, just quiet enough that I can’t understand what they are saying. I wander out the back following the hushed conversation.
The back porch is big enough for a white wicker couch with black cushions and a small table but it leaves little in terms of walking space. I open the door and my mom is perched next to a man with black hair, a mustache, and wrinkly sun abused skin. He has tattoos covering each of his arms.
“Mom?” I ask, looking around at the supplies on the table. There are syringes, rubber bands, and a small plastic baggie of white powder. I already know what they had planned for the night.
“Oh hi baby” She says, leaning into the man as he wraps his arm around her.
“Who’s this?” I ask, solemnly trying to keep my voice level and my anger under some semblance of control.
“Julio, he’s my new friend” Mom says flippantly, her short blonde hair covering half of her face, “I told you something wonderful happened” she continued.
“We can’t afford this. Our grace period for rent is ending soon! We can’t even afford that!” I say my voice rising steadily as my anger starts to take over. I try to keep my temper in check but it flares with every word mom says..
“I found the money” Mom says simply. It dawns on me then, and I tear through the house to my bedroom. I ransack all of my hiding places, the drawers of my dresser and my nightstand, my bathroom, and my closet.
“It’s gone. It’s all gone,” I say, collapsing in the middle of my room. I’m not going to be able to save our home. I had been saving for weeks and it’s all gone.
“Mom” I scream but it comes out more like a snarl, as I pull at my hair ripping strands from my head as she comes running. I hear her feet as they hit the floor. “My money mom, you used my money.” I say trying to fight the tears that threatened but they spilled over anyway.
“I thought it was stuff you were putting away” Mom says quietly
“Yeah. For rent!” I screech back at her, “The money I made tonight is not enough to cover rent alone” I start to panic.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know” She pleads with me, trying to grab one of my hands but I pull out of her grip.
“How many times have I asked you to stay out of my room! I even put a lock on the door and you still stole from me!” I continue screaming as she paces the hallway outside my room.
“I’m sorry little bear” She says, pulling up my childhood nickname.
“No, it’s not enough this time. I’m done” I say going into my closet and pulling out my backpack. I stuff as many pieces of clothes as I can into it before zipping it shut. I make sure to grab the fluffy blue blanket from my bed before I turn on my heel, headed for the front door.
“You’re leaving?” mom asks, raising her eyebrows in surprise, as I get to the living room.
“Well mom, you stole from me and you relapsed again.” I say motioning to the door “I guess that money I spent on the fancy rehab didn’t work, did it?” I ask having calmed down now that I have made up my mind on what I’m doing next. “I can’t do anything for you until you want to change and be better. You’ve made it pretty obvious you don’t want that” I say motioning to the stranger still on the back porch, Mom looks at her feet, unable to make eye contact with me.
“You know how hard it was for me after your dad left” She says meekly, guilt starts rising in my chest but I squash it like a bug. She’s supposed to be the adult, I shouldn’t have had to take care of her for as long as I have.
“That was almost 15 years ago mom, you can’t hold that over my head forever” I shout throwing my backpack over my shoulder, readjusting the blanket in my arms, before I shove past my mom ready to be done and out of this place.
“Fine!” Mom shouts from behind me as I gather my purse and keys, “If you leave, don’t you dare come back” She continues walking out into the living room.
“As if I’d want to, at least I know now why dad left” I scoff back at her pointedly meeting her eyes before I turn and walk out the front door. I let the sharp slam of the door propel me into motion. Rage comes off of me in waves as I make my way to my car throwing the contents of my arms into the back before slamming that door as well. I drive through the night, no destination in mind. The more distance between my mom and I the more the weight lifts off my shoulders. I look up at the North star brighter than the others as I drive, letting it lead me.
“Dad, I don’t know where I’m going, but at least I’m free.”